Christmas Pussy

Spread 'em Tommy!

Two thousand and ten years ago, a virgin and her husband hauled ass into Bethlehem to give birth to the king of jews, or so the story goes. Luckily for me the WE Channel's idea of holiday inception was to play the classic Big staring Tom Hanks and Elizabeth Perkins because nothing says christmas like two average white poeple. Everyone knows the story of Big. unless, you were born and raised under a rock before 1995. The movie is basically the tale of a 12 year old boy who wishes to be "big" and in turns becomes an adult who gets an executive position at a toy company and gets to do an older woman. It's sort of like the Mary Kay Letourneau story but more romantical and with a magical fortune telling machine and less statutory rape.

Tom Hanks' character Josh is likable enough for someone you want to put in a station wagon and drive into a lake. After his rat faced friend makes him feel bad for being awesome he goes and pusses out. Cue the sad music and send him around town, walking around aimlessly like a pedophile staring at all the kids about town wanting to recapture his lost youth. Waa waa. In that same lame boat is also Susan, played by Elizabeth Perkins. The only interesting aspect of her character other than her 80's fashion a la Designing Woman was her ability to fuck her way up the corporate ladder.

Style Stars

But, by far, the best character is Josh's butthole best friend Billy. He is one of the biggest pussies in all of movie history. right up there with any Pauly Shore character and Charlie from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. He also played the asshole little brother in Honey I Shrunk the Kids. For some reason, this little punk can't be happy that his ONE friend is an adult raking in the big bucks and wants to cry because he doesn't want to play walkie talkie with him. If there was ever a reason to advocate childhood physical abuse, it was that kid. It was like whoever green lighted the movies Frankenhooker and Cannibal Holocaust must have given him a break. Thank god that kid never went on to star in anything else other than a Wal-Mart surveillance video.

Being puked on helped him get off.