Recently, a friend sold one of his paintings to someone in North Carolina looking to furnish their summer home. What a rewarding feeling to have someone wanting to purchase your art. It's much more rewarding than selling your semen but not always as lucrative as harvesting your eggs.

"I have a black tongue"

That got me to thinking of a time when I was giraffe-like, all thanks to some damn Canadian assholes that managed to infiltrate American television. I'm talking about Sharon, Lois and Bram! Who could forget that irritatingly infectious music that closed the show every episode!

"Skinnamarink e-dink e-dink

Skinnamarink e-doo

I love you"

Sharon, Lois and Bram.

How fucking stupid was that show? Seriously! I also never realized that Bram looked so much like Harry from Harry and the Hendersons! Bram's mom must have fucked Bigfoot. Anywho, one morning, when I was about five or six, Bigfoot Jr. really fucked with my head good. Bram thought it was a good idea to show the kiddies how to chew like a giraffe with the whole awkward side to side smacking. Before I knew it, I was chewing my cereral as if I were grazing the Serengeti. It wasn't just that meal, it was every one thereafter. It's like I couldn't control it. Mary did not take too kindly to that. She set out to stop me.

A few days later, fresh from school, she poured me a bowl of cereal. It's not pertinent to the story but I wish I knew what cereal it was. I digress. She sat and watched me take my first bite and immediately put a stop to it. She made it quite clear that I was not going to be chewing like a camel. This was very upsetting. I wasn't chewing like a camel. I was chewing like a damn GIRAFFE! My mom sat there and held my jaw in place as I chewed. What was she thinking attempting to tame the wild beast. Now Mary was no Dr. Spock but she sure did know how to cure a terrible case of the giraffe chews.

Take a look below at Bram's vacation photo to historic Tombstone.