BHM2011

I had stated that earlier this month that I was going to reminisce about my all time great moments with people of color, rather, my black history. Trust, there are some whoopers or, in honor of black history month, some Whoopis. Some funny and some downright depressing. so I think to avoid the nickname Rodrig-woe, I will stick to the lighthearted moments. Sort of like watching the Cosby Show but with the neighborhood mexican kid.

Where's Sondra?

Many moons ago, my mom, Mary, decided to throw caution to the wind and get caught up in the radical movement of interracial relationships that swept the early 90s with such movies as Made in America, Jungle Fever and The Bodyguard starring my girl Whitney. I never thought Mary was one to purchase a "swirl" cone but sure enough before I could say NAACP, Curtis "Moe" McKinney became a regular around our household that eventually moved in. Here are some descriptors for Moe:

-loved cookouts

-didn't smell regular

-loved hot links

-had children named Reggie, Tyron and Mokey

-loved eating wings and never shared

-all around jackass

the Whoopster!

I really disliked him. It really had nothing to do with race or how his eyes seemed yellow sometimes but it had everything to do with him going out of his way to embarrass the shit out my sister and I when we were growing up. He would drive us to school in his '87 Chevy Jalopy and honk the horn the whole way to get everyone's attention and then dump us off in front of West Elementary School to be stared at like circus freaks. It sort of felt like the Scarlet Letter but in this case it was a black "A" which stood for affirmative action.

All of this came flooding back to me when I was lucky enough to catch the Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom commercial for their new fragrance Desegregation. It reminded me of how grossed out I felt whenever Mary and Moe would be affectionate with one another. It's really not that surprising that my short busty 65 year old Latina mother does in fact remind me of that Armenian transvestite linebacker Khloe Kardashian. If only Mary would have landed a basketball player instead of a roofer.

Unbreak my bowels

Dentures

Let's just say that Olga Ooze from a recent Polident commercial inspired me.

This is the best one but it couldn't be embedded so click the link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rd5gm-xa710

Christmas Pussy

Spread 'em Tommy!

Two thousand and ten years ago, a virgin and her husband hauled ass into Bethlehem to give birth to the king of jews, or so the story goes. Luckily for me the WE Channel's idea of holiday inception was to play the classic Big staring Tom Hanks and Elizabeth Perkins because nothing says christmas like two average white poeple. Everyone knows the story of Big. unless, you were born and raised under a rock before 1995. The movie is basically the tale of a 12 year old boy who wishes to be "big" and in turns becomes an adult who gets an executive position at a toy company and gets to do an older woman. It's sort of like the Mary Kay Letourneau story but more romantical and with a magical fortune telling machine and less statutory rape.

Tom Hanks' character Josh is likable enough for someone you want to put in a station wagon and drive into a lake. After his rat faced friend makes him feel bad for being awesome he goes and pusses out. Cue the sad music and send him around town, walking around aimlessly like a pedophile staring at all the kids about town wanting to recapture his lost youth. Waa waa. In that same lame boat is also Susan, played by Elizabeth Perkins. The only interesting aspect of her character other than her 80's fashion a la Designing Woman was her ability to fuck her way up the corporate ladder.

Style Stars

But, by far, the best character is Josh's butthole best friend Billy. He is one of the biggest pussies in all of movie history. right up there with any Pauly Shore character and Charlie from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. He also played the asshole little brother in Honey I Shrunk the Kids. For some reason, this little punk can't be happy that his ONE friend is an adult raking in the big bucks and wants to cry because he doesn't want to play walkie talkie with him. If there was ever a reason to advocate childhood physical abuse, it was that kid. It was like whoever green lighted the movies Frankenhooker and Cannibal Holocaust must have given him a break. Thank god that kid never went on to star in anything else other than a Wal-Mart surveillance video.

Being puked on helped him get off.

Funny Shit on the Nanny/Fuck Hallmark Channel

You learn something new everyday or so it is said. Today, I learned the french word decollete while watching, of all things, the Nanny. I've been forced to watch the Nanny late night on Lifetime because Hallmark Channel thought it would be in the holiday spirit to crush mine by removing Golden Girls reruns from their nightly line-up. I still find myself flipping to channel 47 in the hopes that there isn't some made-for-TV abomination starring some washed up has been soap star of yesteryear. At least play a good made-for-TV movie like Death of a Cheerleader starring Tori Spelling as a popular girl (clearly fictional) that gets killed for being the kind of bitch you want to stab in your mom's station wagon, you know the kind.

Take that Donna Martin!

Quintessential Jewish mother, Sylvia Fine

Anywho, back to what I was talking about. Sylvia, Fran's mother, is up to her usual hi-jinx of trying to get Fran to land herself a successful man. In the process of doing so, Sylvia attempts to hike up Fran's skirt to advertise the goods for her new rich doctor boyfriend. Along with that piece of motherly advice, Sylv tells her to "show some decolletessen". Just the sound of the word decolletessen, which, by the way, is not a word and that she pronounces day-c0ll-eh-tessen. What she is alluding to is the word décolleté which means the bust or meat pillow region. Naturally, she throws her master yiddish spin on it by combining décolleté and delicatessen, a store to buy meats and such. Pure genius! So, I guess the only thing left to say is, MISTA SHEFFEILD!!!!

Daytime Television

After going to yoga yesterday, I committed myself to not spending my next morning watching a solid four hour block of Golden Girls, Price Is Right and the Young and the Restless. I can honestly say that I kept good on that commitment. I managed to squeeze a trip to the bank, household chores, reading, writing and still catch bits and pieces of all of the above mentioned TV shows. A lot of domesticities to pack in before 1:30pm on my day off.

OOPS!

Of my limited TV time today, I did manage to watch some commercials. Daytime television is filled with some incredibly awful stuff like bladder leakage commercials which are always geared towards women because grandpa never leaves a puddle here and there. If it's not that, then it's a home pregnancy test commercial with some confused woman thinking stoically off into nowhere. Baby girl should have been thinking about that before she went off to that kegger. On the plus side, Aunt Flow can take a vacation. My favorite of all these are definitely the douche commercials when the female announcer proclaims You know when your feminine care product isn't working. Yeah, you know your douche isn't working when you can smell your pussy!

IF I KNEW YOU WERE COMING I WOULD'VE FRESHENED UP!

"Me rikey"

But the most shocking thing of all occurred during "I Love Lucy". It was your typical episode, Lucy tries to make something better but somehow messes it up. Like the time she tricked Fred and Ethyl into that Ethiopian sex ring. Anywho, Lucy pretends to be Ricky's agent and tries to get MGM Studios to offer him a better contract but instead they release him from his current one. Whoops. Lucy better have some splainin' to do. So when she tells him, he slaps the shit out of her and the audience goes wild with laughter as she looks dazed and confused while he begins smashing every piece of glassware in sight. Call my a cynic but I'm pretty sure a lot of that was happening when the audience wasn't around. They should have called the show "I Beat Lucy" and then I bet she wouldn't have been begging to be in the show all the time.

Bestiality O's

I love me some cereal. I don't have a particular favorite. I just love to eat it although I haven't purchased a box or a bag in a coon's age. I can just sit there fisting a box of cereal for hours like a tasteful adult film. In a bowl or in a cup, nom nom nom. I can spend hours gabbing about cereal. In college, a friend told me how her grandmother wouldn't call it cereal but rather breakfast food. For example, Amy go ahead and pour yourself a bowl of breakfast food.

If only this were just a sweet little post about going cuckoo for generic Cocoa Puffs but it's not. This is about that damn Cinnamon Toast Crunch! You know the one I'm talking about. The one where the desperate woman in sitting on her couch talking to her dog about the bowl of cereal that is sending her into reckless abandon and ecstasy. She's sick. What is this bitch's problem? So this is what she says to the dog, You know that feeling when I scratch your ear and it's like ooh yeah, well this is mine mmmmm.

This is the dog. Doggy style anyone?

Why is she talking to the dog like that? Does she not know that bestiality is illegal in the United States? Dirty talk to animals should be outlawed especially on TV because if I see someone fucking an octopus during a Count Chocula commercial, I'm gonna be pissed.

octopussy

Recently, a friend sold one of his paintings to someone in North Carolina looking to furnish their summer home. What a rewarding feeling to have someone wanting to purchase your art. It's much more rewarding than selling your semen but not always as lucrative as harvesting your eggs.

"I have a black tongue"

That got me to thinking of a time when I was giraffe-like, all thanks to some damn Canadian assholes that managed to infiltrate American television. I'm talking about Sharon, Lois and Bram! Who could forget that irritatingly infectious music that closed the show every episode!

"Skinnamarink e-dink e-dink

Skinnamarink e-doo

I love you"

Sharon, Lois and Bram.

How fucking stupid was that show? Seriously! I also never realized that Bram looked so much like Harry from Harry and the Hendersons! Bram's mom must have fucked Bigfoot. Anywho, one morning, when I was about five or six, Bigfoot Jr. really fucked with my head good. Bram thought it was a good idea to show the kiddies how to chew like a giraffe with the whole awkward side to side smacking. Before I knew it, I was chewing my cereral as if I were grazing the Serengeti. It wasn't just that meal, it was every one thereafter. It's like I couldn't control it. Mary did not take too kindly to that. She set out to stop me.

A few days later, fresh from school, she poured me a bowl of cereal. It's not pertinent to the story but I wish I knew what cereal it was. I digress. She sat and watched me take my first bite and immediately put a stop to it. She made it quite clear that I was not going to be chewing like a camel. This was very upsetting. I wasn't chewing like a camel. I was chewing like a damn GIRAFFE! My mom sat there and held my jaw in place as I chewed. What was she thinking attempting to tame the wild beast. Now Mary was no Dr. Spock but she sure did know how to cure a terrible case of the giraffe chews.

Take a look below at Bram's vacation photo to historic Tombstone.

How Do Things Like This Happen?

How the hell did Andy Cohen get his own show? As one of my best friends pointed out to me a few months back, Andy has less personality than Terry Schiavo. When I watch him it is complete and utter torture. I mean, how do people who have fetal alcohol syndrome make it onto television? He has the personality of sea kelp. Please tell me how this happened! Is it because he's jewish? If so, my shot at television stardom is just a hop, skip and circumscion away.

It's uncanny! It's like the Parent Trap!