How Do Things Like This Happen?

How the hell did Andy Cohen get his own show? As one of my best friends pointed out to me a few months back, Andy has less personality than Terry Schiavo. When I watch him it is complete and utter torture. I mean, how do people who have fetal alcohol syndrome make it onto television? He has the personality of sea kelp. Please tell me how this happened! Is it because he's jewish? If so, my shot at television stardom is just a hop, skip and circumscion away.

It's uncanny! It's like the Parent Trap!

Conspiracy Theory

So I think I may be on to one of two things here. Hear me out. Both theories involve the incomparable Corey Haim. So recently, he died. Boy, I bet he'll be sorely missed.....by his creditors. [rim shot please] I jest, I jest. No but seriously, what a mess that one!

So we all don't remember Boner from Growing Pains right? He wasn't the bulimic one and he wasn't the one that went all Jesus-y and he was certainly no Joanna Kern. He played Mike's friend.

He committed suicide in a Vancouver park during the Olympics and honestly, it was the most press he had gotten in the past decade. So, this brings me to Corey Haim. I feel like he overdosed so he could trump Boner! Think about it, he was definitely more famous than boner (so to speak) and then all of a sudden there are news feeds on CNN about Boner everywhere. I'm sure that irked the star of License to Drive.

In an attempt to trump Boner, Corey decided to get his last respectable 15 minutes by drugging it out to the end. Feels like that's the case.

Second, Chastity Bono and Corey Haim are twins...

Twincest

Now that the Olympics are over I felt that I needed to touch on a subject that Vancouver brought to my attention. While sitting at the bar enjoying the Olympic figure skating I noticed that Scott Hamilton, America's Straight Ice Sweetheart from the 80's, has taken up as an FSJ (Figure Skating Jockey) for NBC. At first. I thought Scott Hamilton looked like Uncle Fester but then I heard his voice. Yikes! He sounds like he's been castrated. Then as if a lightbulb lit above my head it dawned on me, this guy is just like Marshall Applewhite, the Heaven's Gate cult leader. So here's to you brother's from another mother! Too bad the one that wasn't castrated is the one that sounds like he was.