With nearly two months gone by and no new post to self promote on Facebook, I figured I had to get back at it and get the juices a flowin'. I recently returned home to my beloved Arizona, where the political landscape is as red as a Sarah Palin's power suit and the Crypt Keeper's big sister, Jan Brewer, reigns as queen. Much to my surprise, the same state that elected Maleficent, also decided to legalize medical marijuana. So, Arizona is now a Christmas State of both red and green. On that note, ho ho ho, to you and yours.
Governor-elect, Jan Brewer
Anywho, minus this country's shift to the right and Arizona's shocking ability to stay set in it's republican ways, I was excited to be back in Arizona for the first time in nearly a year. Seeing downtown Phoenix was exciting with its new restaurants and businesses sprinkled everywhere. It felt like a real city and have to admit that I was impressed with the amount of people riding the train system. See, the train isn't as ghetto as the city bus because you don't have to wait a grillion hours while the driver attempts to unwedge his or her self from out of the snug four feet of space between the steering wheel and the back of the driver's seat, to flip the switch that unfolds the handicap ramp for someone who will inevitably take my seat. But I digress.
I can honestly say, that I haven't walked around and taken public transit as much as I did while in PHX as compared to the past year. Get up, walk to Z Pizza for beer and a cashier who was easy on the eyes. Get up, walk and buy $4 6-packs of Drifter. Walk to the Arizona Center for horrible mojitos at 1130 the Restaurant (don't go there). Light rail it to Tempe or up to Frances on Camelback. Get up and walk to the little corner store on 7th Avenue to purchase fake marijuana called Spice. Stagger Stagger Stagger. It was truly a pedestrian paradise which saw me walking to get $4 6-packs of Drifter on a pretty good frequency.
Needless to say, I was a blackout mess that, within less than two days into my trip, lost my phone in a drunken stupor which involved a gay bar, a cocktail being thrown in my face and journey in a strange car with a faceless stranger. Although, I mustn't give the full credit of my blackouts to the alcohol alone. To give credit, where credit is due, I have to give a shout out to the queen's ransom worth of fake marijuana I smoked. It's a weed-like substitute , mind you, that is legal to smoke but the long term effects or toxicity aren't known yet. So all signs are pointing to a long and healthy life in my future. All these fond memories culminated into a mythical encounter on my final night with homeless wood nymph.
Corner Store Delight
So, right when I began to think I was the most tragic figure in all of greater Phoenix, she had to waltz into my life like Bristol Palin on Dancing With The Stars, lumpy and awkwardly. So, to set the scene, I am downtown at one of the coolest spots I have been to in a really long time with some great friends at a place called Hanny's, a former department store turned trendy restaurant and bar. We were enjoying the general splendor of our surroundings when I realized that I had to call Delta to check-in for my upcoming flight. That's when homegirl burst into my life.
So, as I'm trying to figure out why I can't check in online I had the fattest, craziest thing in all of Phoenix, yell into my ear as I walked passed her. So as I whip around to see who the hell was being such a jerk, I see homeless Carnie Wilson bumpin' and grindin' in her seat at the bar. She then proceeds to make wacky jazz hands when she suddenly looks me dead in the eye and flips my off. She then began to dance up a storm at the bar and grabbed our server, who, would be considered legally a midget, as he walked by and yelled into his ear, HEY, I'M TALLER THAN YOU! as she hysterically laughed and continued to flop around like a bra-less walrus wonder in a camisole. She then moved from the bar to a more intimate corner of the restaurant to practice her craft. It looked like she was making her way down the damn Soul Train line much rather than enjoying a free glass of water. I was sort of glad to see that with downtown reshaping itself that it didn't get rid of all the crazy homeless people that add a certain, je ne sa pas. I had to rest assured that at least I didn't smoke whatever it was she had or at least don't remember doing so.
YOU SHORT, FOOL!
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