Golden Girls

Earlier today, I heard my favorite Golden Girls quote in a long time. Basically, Dorothy's flunking the star quarterback at the high school she's substituting and people are upset. I figured , since, today marked the day that many a school kid in the lowcountry returned to school so it is an appropriate quote. So, as they sit around the kitchen table, Blanche decides to offer up some sage words about the importance of high school sports.

"As a former cheerleader and ex bad girl in a health film, I can tell you the importance of school sanctioned extracurricular activities"

Daytime Television

After going to yoga yesterday, I committed myself to not spending my next morning watching a solid four hour block of Golden Girls, Price Is Right and the Young and the Restless. I can honestly say that I kept good on that commitment. I managed to squeeze a trip to the bank, household chores, reading, writing and still catch bits and pieces of all of the above mentioned TV shows. A lot of domesticities to pack in before 1:30pm on my day off.

OOPS!

Of my limited TV time today, I did manage to watch some commercials. Daytime television is filled with some incredibly awful stuff like bladder leakage commercials which are always geared towards women because grandpa never leaves a puddle here and there. If it's not that, then it's a home pregnancy test commercial with some confused woman thinking stoically off into nowhere. Baby girl should have been thinking about that before she went off to that kegger. On the plus side, Aunt Flow can take a vacation. My favorite of all these are definitely the douche commercials when the female announcer proclaims You know when your feminine care product isn't working. Yeah, you know your douche isn't working when you can smell your pussy!

IF I KNEW YOU WERE COMING I WOULD'VE FRESHENED UP!

"Me rikey"

But the most shocking thing of all occurred during "I Love Lucy". It was your typical episode, Lucy tries to make something better but somehow messes it up. Like the time she tricked Fred and Ethyl into that Ethiopian sex ring. Anywho, Lucy pretends to be Ricky's agent and tries to get MGM Studios to offer him a better contract but instead they release him from his current one. Whoops. Lucy better have some splainin' to do. So when she tells him, he slaps the shit out of her and the audience goes wild with laughter as she looks dazed and confused while he begins smashing every piece of glassware in sight. Call my a cynic but I'm pretty sure a lot of that was happening when the audience wasn't around. They should have called the show "I Beat Lucy" and then I bet she wouldn't have been begging to be in the show all the time.

Arizona Sweet Tea

So yesterday, I was making simple syrup for the bar at work and it got me to thinking about my little brother Ralph. When I say little brother, I mean my 6'2'' 220lb college football player brother.

As we all know, simple syrup, is nothing more than sugar and water. Try and have a margarita without it, go ahead. Anywho, Ralph and I used to make sugar water and drink it all the time when we didn't have anything sweet in the house like redneck holy water, or, rather, mountain dew. It just seemed a lot faster and fatter than going to the corner store. Fast and fat? Now, if that's not an oxymoron, I don't know what is y'all. When I stop and think, sugar water is just like sweet tea, only, sans the tea. That explains fat southern, for sure.

One thing not surprising about this situation is the fact that Ralph and I wore "husky" jeans for a few years there in the early '90s a.k.a the Era of Andrea Zuckerman. Remember her? The editor of the West Beverly Blaze. That liar didn't even live in the school district! I digress. Wearing your shirt while swimming doesn't make anyone feel smaller but rather makes you stick out like a fat thumb. Thank God, he and I were able to get out of that shame spiral before we ended up shirtless in our underwear on the Maury Show, flopping around like Baby Jessica.

VW Cabriolet or 5 year old girl?

Notice the opposite use of acid wash jean shirt to pants.

Found Off of Morris Island

This is the remnants of a tree that was on the beach that I found while doing a photo shoot for Julia Faye's swimwear line in which I looked like a dark Adam Lambert. So basically a hot tranny mess. Anywho, it never ceases to amaze me how beautiful nature can be even after it stops living.

Stuff That Looks Like Dead People

This is the bathroom door at Casey Moore's in Tempe. You have to admit that it looks like Jimi Hendrix! Even when I'm sober, I still see it!

At the Thrift Store...

Ha! Estelle Getty with a baby grocery basket filled with stuffed animals! Loves it!

Bestiality O's

I love me some cereal. I don't have a particular favorite. I just love to eat it although I haven't purchased a box or a bag in a coon's age. I can just sit there fisting a box of cereal for hours like a tasteful adult film. In a bowl or in a cup, nom nom nom. I can spend hours gabbing about cereal. In college, a friend told me how her grandmother wouldn't call it cereal but rather breakfast food. For example, Amy go ahead and pour yourself a bowl of breakfast food.

If only this were just a sweet little post about going cuckoo for generic Cocoa Puffs but it's not. This is about that damn Cinnamon Toast Crunch! You know the one I'm talking about. The one where the desperate woman in sitting on her couch talking to her dog about the bowl of cereal that is sending her into reckless abandon and ecstasy. She's sick. What is this bitch's problem? So this is what she says to the dog, You know that feeling when I scratch your ear and it's like ooh yeah, well this is mine mmmmm.

This is the dog. Doggy style anyone?

Why is she talking to the dog like that? Does she not know that bestiality is illegal in the United States? Dirty talk to animals should be outlawed especially on TV because if I see someone fucking an octopus during a Count Chocula commercial, I'm gonna be pissed.

octopussy