Dear Abby....

Dear Abby,

Hi. I hope you don't mind being called Abs. Give it a chance before you go bad mouth across the "web", which, Al Gore invented. Joseph Constantine Carpue, (1764 - 1846), invented rhinoplastic surgery, in case you wondered.

I write this to you while eating mixed nuts alone. One doesn't tell you that's how your life will end up when you are voted Most Likely To Succeed in high school but then again what does a fledgling cotton town in the middle of the desert really know about success. Well, they did add a traffic light at that intersection on the way out to the reservation (Sacaton, Blackwater, et al) so even that bit of information should be considered in determining the town's ability to make valid choices.

Anyways, about the nuts, you guessed it; They're Planters. Oddly enough the peanut [mr. Peanut] on the canister looks rather successful. I dare not say I know a person so successful as to warrant a TOP hat & cane let alone that bourgeois monocle he totes around. Gall, not gumption. Why do Designing Women marathons, rape punch [patron tequila & red bull] & eating mixed nuts usually end with me feeling less than to some sort of marketing cartoon. In this case, a hoity toity legume. To borrow a phrase from 90s television staple Stephanie Tanner: How rude. Legume is derived from the french word légumineuse, whose meaning I'm not familiar, which could account for this nut's brazen attitude & disdain for me, an ameriCAN ne'er–do–well whose gait is borderline sass-say.

I think what I'm trying to say is that I want to be on a canister full of something someday. It doesn't have to be classy like mixed nuts. May it be wadded beef or something to that effect, I have to work out the kinks. First I must address the fact that I devoured a great bulk of the canister & now must worry about the added weight & imminent leg gout I'm sure to incur.

Abs, my parting words will be HOOP SKORT.
-Roddy