Letting Freedom Ring

I don't want to get hung up on the whole poo thing but I did need to touch on this.  We all know that holidays are times when you get a ton of mass texts from friends and well wishers.  They are never clever.  Just the same old crap you hear every year like HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY EVERYONE XOXO or MERRY NATIONAL CHEER UP THE LONELY DAY (July 11).  So the other day, America's birfday, I decided to send one out that showed how truly free we all are.  So to a few people I sent the message I'M POOPING. WHAT BETTER WAY TO CELEBRATE FREEDOM.  It's not too surprising that I received few responses but one response that I did get was pure gold!  My dear friend Shelley replied with two simple words:  EMANCIPATION CONSTIPATION.  God bless this country and the funny people that inhabit it.

Just Sayin'

So I decided to take a nice bike ride across the east side of the peninsula tonight and very much to my delight I witnessed something truly spectacular. This time of year is a time when friends and family are out in their yards having barbeques and whatnot. I turned down Stuart and there he was, all three feet of him. This little chocolate drop was carrying a watermelon that was just as big as he was. I am unable to say that I have such ability. If I were to tell people that I carried a melon about the size of my body they would be amazed. They could call me melon man. I had to stop and witness what was about to take place. Unlike me, the little boy's mother was not one bit happy with him. With a Newport in hand she screamed at him from her porch BOY YOU BETTER BRING ME MA GODDAMN WATERMELON OR YOU FINNA GIT IT! Naturally, at this moment that little boy dropped the melon. He then did something else that made me laugh as I peddled. Instead of picking up the pieces, he looked at the shit storm that awaited him on that porch and that little son of a bitch ran like he was Jesse Owens.

TCU: Tent City University

I can sadly say that I am an alumni of Tent City. The tuition is a bitch and the student to faculty ratio is appalling. That's the price you pay when you drink and drive in Maricopa County back in Arizona. With today marking the one year anniversary of my release from home detention, I thought I would reflect on some of the brighter points of my stay at Tent City.

the dorms of Tent City University.

So I was driving down Camelback Road after leaving a gay cowboy bar in a rental car, Ford Taurus (file under gross), because my car Karl was in the shop. Like an idiot I hadn't turned my lights on and hadn't noticed that they weren't even on due to the bright lights of the car dealerships on that stretch of road. Needless to say my admissions letter ,which, was my breathalyzer results and blood-alcohol content, were accepted and I was admitted to TCU. Months of legal proceedings and technical jargon later, not to mention a public defender who hadn't quite yet mastered Spanks, I was finally ready for my first day on campus!

We all know it's hard being the freshman on campus. So much to learn. So little to do. Will they like me? Should I bring a roll of quarters for the vending machine? Will that shower thing really happen? So on and so forth. I did learn right away not to ask the detention officers a.k.a. "I wasn't smart or thin enough to be a real cop so I'm going to treat you like shit officers" any legitimate questions because I found myself slammed up against a chain link fence for asking where I needed to report for bed assignment. I mustn't forget to give a shout out to my angry lesbian detention officers. You could always count on them to be there to emasculate a man at a drop of a turkey baster. Oh them!

my dorm mate, mexican jerry stiller.

Everyone in my tent was superb including the guy who threatened to kick my ass for turning the fan off that was blasting me in the face. I know deep down that he was a sweet guy. He even took the time to write me a note while I was out for the day on work release. It read HEY NEWBIE, YOU CAN'T JUST ROLL UP IN HERE ACTIN LIKE YOU OWN SHIT. YOU BETTER WATCH YOURSELF OR ELSE YOULL GET YOUR ASS ROLLED UP. SIGNED EVERYONE IN THIS TENT THAT CAN'T STAND YOUR ASS. It was cute because he almost spelled everything right. Not everyone was there for the ol' drunk driving. There were people there for embezzlement and for being deadbeat dads. It was a real who's who of the lower rung of society and I was swimming in it.

tent with a view

Like most university experiences the food can be a bit frightening but not at TCU, no sir. Every morning an angry mexican woman yelled CHOW GENTLEMAN, GET YOUR CHOW. IF YOU DON'T GET IN LINE NOW NO CHOW. Some people call Sandra Bullock and Julia Roberts America's Sweetheart but I want to say that officer L. Ruiz is. The food came effeciently packed in a plastic bag that one basically had to rip into like a rat through a trashbag. Inside, were the following items: a) one bag of slimy meat, either ham or something that resembled a brain cut into sections b) a small loaf of stale bread or five slices of enriched flour bread c) 3-4 mustard packets d) an orange e) a packet of cookies. Yum yum gimme some.

bathroom on a clean day

One must always remember that good hygiene is a must. Just because you're locked up most of your day behind a chain link fence under the sweltering Arizona sun doesn't mean you can be a total slob. The bathroom was enough to make you want to never eat or drink so you would have no reason to go in there. The bathroom was usually littered with bright orange razors that cut the hell out of your face. Nothing feels better on your sweaty neck and face than razor cuts. After a week I had to smuggle in my own razor to alleviate this problem. I also smuggled in a cellphone, hence the photos. Besides the steamy bathroom, mattresses and sheets that give you scabies and the giant disclaimer to stay away from pigeons, it was easy for guy to stay nice and clean. I hadn't realized that pigeons were disease carriers on the same level as a prostitute that goes au naturale. But that's why their prices are so high.

Graduating from TCU isn't anything you go and send announcements for. It wasn't like I wanted to call up my mom and dad and say GUESS WHO'S PART OF REGULAR SOCIETY AGAIN? So you can understand my amazement when my family did find out. I couldn't figure it out for the life of me until I remembered that the city of Phoenix goes ahead and announces it in the Arizona Republic. So my dad's coworker sees his name in the paper and my dad realizes that it is in fact me. So much for the print media being dead.