Making Whoopi (Goldberg)

So I am at work and notice a two top table just going at it. Me and two other servers stood in comedic disbelief as they licked and pawed each other like a couple of wounded badgers. I don't want to see that. It's nauseating. As I struggle to keep down the polenta I had eaten 5 minutes prior the boyfriend starts stroking her hair as she feeds him. Who the fuck does this? I couldn't help but imagine how lame their sex must be, all gentle and soft. Those two don't have sex, they don't fuck, knock boots or bump uglies. They make love. Love making basically translates to two stiffs gently carassing until someone puts something into someone's Suzanne Somers. I find that term as offensive as most people find the word moist or intrauterine. Let's be honest here, there is nothing lovey about it. You aren't making love, you're making a mess. So the next time I make whoopi I'll make sure to WARSH the love out of my sheets or off the couch.

Where The Wild Pee Roams

The following was a possible dialogue between a few people at an anger management seminar concerning angry peeing. Enjoy.

Piss Mediator Jenkins: Tammy, I want you to answer this question as if it were Rufus answering and I'll be you, mmkay?

Rufus: This ought to be good.

Piss Mediator Jenkins: Rufus, can I get you anything to eat?

Tammy: Yea, a sandwich! It better be the best damn sandwich I ever had or else I's a gonna piss all over you.

Piss Mediator Jenkins: Now Tammy, how does that make you feel?

Tammy: Well, it makes me feel one of two things. One, I feel I better make the best damn sandwich ever but alls we usually got is bologna.

Rufus: Mmhmm,

Piss Mediator Jenkins: And the second?

Tammy: I'm tired of feelin' pee on my wig.

Southern Living

Overheard at the Roller Derby last month:

My husband said that this is a nice combo of NASCAR and Hooters.

The bitch said it very matter of factly too. Only in the South.

Bird Brained

I went to Andrew Bird the other night at Music Farm, a former railroad storage depot downtown. Wowie wow wow wow. The opener was a group by the name of St. Vincent and they were incredible. Never did it feel so good to listen to Andrew Bird than it was that night. It was almost as good as the first time I heard him, in the Rail District of Tempe, on that beautiful night in late Spring 2008. Andrew told the crowd that he had caught ill in New Orleans but there was no indication of any such afflcition. He looked so thin you couldn't even hit him with a handful of corn!

The stage was simple. The only adornment being three phonographs, two large and one double-coned that spun in circles. When the music is that good there is no need for elaborate what-have-yous. As I sipped my club soda, I caught the tiniest peek through the crowd to his feet as he performed Imitosis and couldn't help but think why the hell were his feet so damn pink. If it was because he was sick, shouldn't he put shoes on? I love your music but don't give me Hog Pox! So throughout the remainder of the show, I found myself trying to stare at his feet. Without thinking on was on my tippy toes trying to look only to have people shuffle and ruin my chances of seeing. There I was, in what would have been the equivalent of the 6th row, left of Andrew Bird's center, essentially in front of the men's bathroom with two jovial tone-deaf girls in my ear. That's what I get for waiting too long to bum rush towards the stage.

Craigslist and Loving It!

So the following was a Craigslist ad that I responded under the name Arnie McGillicuddy. I hope to make this a reoccurring feature. This guy really had it going on:

Stick it Through - 56 (North SR51)

Everything is dark outside and inside. Stick your cock through and I will take care of it for you. Quick cummers a plus, married a plus, discreet. The lights on the pics are the flash.
This is perfect for a married str8 guy who wants to get off discreetly, fast. Stick it out, in and cum. Just be MUSCULAR and get hard on anonymous sex. NO recip wanted. Its about you. No drugs bugs or tobacco.
Please send ht wt age for response.
Location: North SR51it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Was he for reals? I'm sure he got a lot of responses. What candor that one! So, here is my response:

Dear Stick it Through,
I want to say that I can't wait to stick it through. Once my gymnastics coach told me to stick it through and I did and I won 4th runner-up at the tri-valley fair. The plaque is on my mantel. You can see it when you visit me for grown man's time. I'm sure we will talk about our exes but that's part of the fourplay right? Tears are sexy! I like that you don't show a "traditional" glory hole in your picture, that's refreshing. I think sheer curtains over one half of sliding glass doors adds to the mystique. I know you profess MUSCULAR but I do ask that you take into account that I had a big late dinner. That endless salad and breadsticks at Olive Garden proves too tempting for some. All I need is your address, some alker seltzer and I ride home so we can do this thing right and discreet. 29 5' 11'' 155 30w. The 29 means I'm aged that way. The 5'11'' actually means I'm 5'9 1/2" and the 155 means how much my student loan payments are and the 30w means I wear that size pants. Well-known for my tumbling and expect you to know how to tumble so we's can rumble. Only looking for semi-casual serious.
-Arnie

I think I made it quite clear what my intentions were. Much to my surprise, Stick It Through was a funny one and responded with this:

Dear -Arnie,

I think you must have read my ad and looked at my pic and I say Marvelous. I am sorry about the lateness of my response due to my bleeding forehead . It was such an exhausting evening doing so many glorious penuses (penii?) I fell asleep blowing the last 3 or so and fell knocked my head repeatedly against the wood above the hole, but the str8 men don't seem to care, as long as the mouth is set at open. Although, I'm not quite sure if 4th runner-up qualifies you into my door at this point I'll give you a what for and see if you can get it up because you claim to have a plaque. I won't see your plaque since I won't be visiting or driving you home and am not sure why you are expecting tears and sexiness since waht I am proposing is cut and dry, in and out. Or do you cry when you orgasm? That might explain a little more. I've switched up the pic of my glory hole to the actual one but am happy to see you at least referenced my sheers but the hole is truly a hole in a board. You have perfect stats if they relate directly to age ht and wt. The age reference seems to imply you are aged beef at 29 years but you might be a different age altogether, so I'm not sure about that one. Nor am I sure about 1.5 inches lopped off your height unless it's because of an on line advantage. If you're 5'9 1/2 " you can still reach through the hole. I am delighted to not read of your penus length. So many straight men love to talk about their length. When it comes down on me or down to it or whatever you like, it should fit partially in my mouth and squirt at some point. Just what are you looking thru? Is this your chit chat because it's more than anyone can bear.
Yours
Stick it thru

Wow. Sex ads really do bring people together!

Kudos from Khina

So I was driving down Society trying to find a parking spot for the gym when I found a sweet little gem that required some parallel parking. I have dramatically improved my PP skills since living in Charleston so I thought, "Piece o' cake!" As I'm parking I look to my left and sitting across a large segment of curb and sidewalk were a slew of Asians. I mean, what are seven Asians doing sitting on their Chairman Maos at this time of the afternoon? Was someone filming something that required so many slanty sams? I didn't see a tour bus anywhere. But at that moment, I couldn't help but feel as if they were my audience as I performed open-park surgery. I pictured them being very pleased with my park job, seeing that Asians can't drive. As I got out of the car I imagined them all standing in cheer and disbelief. One even grabbing the arm of another saying, "Hey, howa he do thata tlick?" The reality of it all is that they all continued to sit there as I parked. No fanfare. No one gave me a fortune cookie that said something asinine like GRAND RICHES AWAIT YOU or THIS IS HOW YOU SAY SEX GAG IN CHINESE. None of that. So this is being 25?

Letting Freedom Ring

I don't want to get hung up on the whole poo thing but I did need to touch on this.  We all know that holidays are times when you get a ton of mass texts from friends and well wishers.  They are never clever.  Just the same old crap you hear every year like HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY EVERYONE XOXO or MERRY NATIONAL CHEER UP THE LONELY DAY (July 11).  So the other day, America's birfday, I decided to send one out that showed how truly free we all are.  So to a few people I sent the message I'M POOPING. WHAT BETTER WAY TO CELEBRATE FREEDOM.  It's not too surprising that I received few responses but one response that I did get was pure gold!  My dear friend Shelley replied with two simple words:  EMANCIPATION CONSTIPATION.  God bless this country and the funny people that inhabit it.